seasons

Hey, remember when I used to blog sometimes?

I've had a hell of a fall.  Allow me to list for you the reasons why:

• Classes.  School has been really, really tough this quarter.  The volume of work I'm expected to produce has been a lot higher than normal, which means that I often skip the reading, which means that I don't really understand what's going on or what we're learning, which means that I quickly descend into a shame spiral as I imagine my future as a completely ineffectual school psychologist because I DIDN'T DO MY CURRICULUM BASED MEASUREMENT READING.  You know, logical thought processes like that. 
• Work.  I had to cut back my hours this year to accommodate my practicum (see below), and a result I am (a) very, very financially stressed and (b) not pleased with my schedule.  In case I have failed to mention it, I just love my coworkers.  They are great conversationalists, they are hilarious, and a couple of them have been wonderful "substitute parents" since I've moved up here.  As a result of my new schedule, I spend most of my day as a 1:1 in a general ed classroom, which means that instead of working with these fantastic coworkers and the kids I adored last year, I spend a lot of time sitting around in the back of a classroom taking notes and/or dealing with awkward behavior issues while a bunch of 7th graders gawk at me.  Not so fun.
• Practicum.  It is very awkward--and oftentimes, very boring--to follow someone around and watch her perform her job, which is basically what my practicum entails.  
• Friends.  I've had some weirdness with a school friend, and because of the mass amounts of homework, I've been kind of socially isolated recently.

That's my list.  However: you'll notice that no one died, I still have a job, and I'm not starving on the street. In the midst of hating (okay, disliking) life this fall, I've also felt a lot of guilt (I think I should have been Catholic) about feeling so crazy when I am actually still a pretty lucky girl.

Now that I've told you about all the icky-ness, let me get all religious on you and say that God has been so, so faithful in the midst of my circumstances, guilt and pervasive bad attitude. When you are a hopeless control freak like me, it takes a lot to get you to stop trying to take the lead.  I finally got to the point where I would wake up in the morning and all I could do was pray, "Okay, God--I am literally incapable of dealing with this day apart from the Holy Spirit.  So please shut me up and let Him guide me."  It took a really crappy couple of months to get me to realize that I either (a) had no idea what it means to surrender my life or (b) I have been doing a terrible job of it for, oh, I don't know, the last decade or so.  But as I said, God is faithful, and He is working on me--one of my favorite examples is the fact that although I am NOT an early riser, I have suddenly developed a habit of waking up before my alarm with enough time to do my quiet time before I have to get ready for work.  Thank you, Jesus, for caring enough about my sanity to tinker with my internal clock.