First off, I recently discovered while looking at my blog that although I enjoy the process of getting my thoughts down on paper (screen?), pretty much every post I've written makes me feel like a total nerd for having written it. (Typical reaction: "Geez, what compelled me to say that?!") Not sure what to do about that except ... write something else I may soon regret!
Last week I attended church twice (because I am really, really holy. Or really, really sinful.) Two different services at two different churches in two different states that focused on two different passages of Scripture, and strangely enough, both pastors discussed the same idea in their respective sermons. The idea: As a Christian, my deepest desire should be (and, as I discovered after some anxious soul-searching, really is) greater intimacy with Christ; nonetheless, my strongest desires are often for lesser things. This struck me because it nicely sums up my recent struggle to let God take care of the uncertainty in my life when all I really wanted was a self-constructed safety net--you know, "just in case".
This week, I received an internship offer from a school district in Oregon. This was pretty thrilling in a lot of ways, not the least of which is the fact that I've been obsessing about internships since December. There are a lot of people in Oregon that I care about; I'm getting paid(!); I think the district is a good fit for me; oh, and the district asked me to work for them and all, so there's that, I guess. At the same time, there was a part of me that felt anxious and sad at the thought of leaving Seattle. I've met some incredible friends here; I love the city; church is wonderful; I had an opportunity to live with some really great ladies next year. I didn't really feel ready to be done with Seattle.
And yet. God made it pretty darn clear that, yes, I am supposed to take this internship, and yes, I'm supposed to be back in Oregon. The pretty-darn-clear confirmation wasn't enough for me, though. I let my mind run through everything I'd be leaving behind in Seattle and tried to think of ways to triage every potentially undesirable situation I might encounter in moving my life to Oregon (Living situation weirdness? Friend weirdness? Church weirdness?) Like, "Okay, God--I'll trust You, but let me fix the scary parts first. Then it's all You."
Safety of my own design--that has been my strongest desire. I know that we are intrinsically wired to seek safety, but I am utterly powerless to construct that kind of security on my own. As a wise friend pointed out to me, my strongest desire (safety) can truly only be found in my deepest desire (Christ). I'm totally aware that this is Christianity 101, but it's also one of those things that I "learn" over and over without ever actually learning it. So now I'm remembering what it means to desire Christ for His own sake--not because He will help me cope as I leave a place I love and re-establish myself, and not because He really does make me safe, but because He is. That's enough.
