seasons

Hey, remember when I used to blog sometimes?

I've had a hell of a fall.  Allow me to list for you the reasons why:

• Classes.  School has been really, really tough this quarter.  The volume of work I'm expected to produce has been a lot higher than normal, which means that I often skip the reading, which means that I don't really understand what's going on or what we're learning, which means that I quickly descend into a shame spiral as I imagine my future as a completely ineffectual school psychologist because I DIDN'T DO MY CURRICULUM BASED MEASUREMENT READING.  You know, logical thought processes like that. 
• Work.  I had to cut back my hours this year to accommodate my practicum (see below), and a result I am (a) very, very financially stressed and (b) not pleased with my schedule.  In case I have failed to mention it, I just love my coworkers.  They are great conversationalists, they are hilarious, and a couple of them have been wonderful "substitute parents" since I've moved up here.  As a result of my new schedule, I spend most of my day as a 1:1 in a general ed classroom, which means that instead of working with these fantastic coworkers and the kids I adored last year, I spend a lot of time sitting around in the back of a classroom taking notes and/or dealing with awkward behavior issues while a bunch of 7th graders gawk at me.  Not so fun.
• Practicum.  It is very awkward--and oftentimes, very boring--to follow someone around and watch her perform her job, which is basically what my practicum entails.  
• Friends.  I've had some weirdness with a school friend, and because of the mass amounts of homework, I've been kind of socially isolated recently.

That's my list.  However: you'll notice that no one died, I still have a job, and I'm not starving on the street. In the midst of hating (okay, disliking) life this fall, I've also felt a lot of guilt (I think I should have been Catholic) about feeling so crazy when I am actually still a pretty lucky girl.

Now that I've told you about all the icky-ness, let me get all religious on you and say that God has been so, so faithful in the midst of my circumstances, guilt and pervasive bad attitude. When you are a hopeless control freak like me, it takes a lot to get you to stop trying to take the lead.  I finally got to the point where I would wake up in the morning and all I could do was pray, "Okay, God--I am literally incapable of dealing with this day apart from the Holy Spirit.  So please shut me up and let Him guide me."  It took a really crappy couple of months to get me to realize that I either (a) had no idea what it means to surrender my life or (b) I have been doing a terrible job of it for, oh, I don't know, the last decade or so.  But as I said, God is faithful, and He is working on me--one of my favorite examples is the fact that although I am NOT an early riser, I have suddenly developed a habit of waking up before my alarm with enough time to do my quiet time before I have to get ready for work.  Thank you, Jesus, for caring enough about my sanity to tinker with my internal clock.

leavin' on a jet plane

I'm headed south of the border tomorrow morning.  Read all about my Mexican adventures here!

mid-summer

Summer quarter is winding down, which seems absurd, because we've only been in class for a few weeks!  Two notable outcomes of my first four-week class: (a) I survived and (b) I managed to produce a whole lot of written work while learning absolutely nothing.  That leaves me with just two classes for the rest of the term: An applied research/program evaluation course (current status: killing me softly) and an academic assessment class, which I ADORE.  I've spent the past few weeks finding unsuspecting child "volunteers," assessing them mercilessly, and writing evaluation reports.  The data analysis and interpretation is fascinating to me, and I feel like I've gained a lot of insight into the learning process of the kids I've tested.   (Side note: I've tried to explain my testing glee to the "uninitiated," and I have seen a lot of glazed-over expressions as people try to feign interest.  You mean everyone doesn't find this stuff as fascinating as I do?!  I can tell that I am going to be a huge hit at dinner parties in the next few years.)

At any rate, the end of summer quarter has given me a chance to live and play a little more freely than usual.  Recent activities include:

• Engaging in my other favorite method of nerding out: Reading anything I can find on theology or philosophy, no matter how obscure
• Taking advantage of all the fun coffee shops within walking distance
• Witnessing the wedding of a dear friend in Portland :)
• Summer evening neighborhood walks with my neighbors (The love is multiplying: There are now four wonderful friends from church living in the building next door to me. I'm a lucky girl!)
• Enjoying random community events--parades, block parties, etc.
• Trying not to think about everything I need to do/pack/wash/think about before I go to Mexico in the middle of August!

waking up

I have been in so much awe of the beauty around me recently.  It's music, words, people, images, colors, nature. It's like waking up to a completely different landscape, brimming with life, growth, possibilities--truth that I can see, hear and touch.

okay, one more.

I swear I'm not trying to turn this into a transposition of my devotional ... but this is what has been running through my head all day:

My goal is God Himself, not joy nor peace,
Nor even blessing, but Himself, my God.

Am I measuring my life by this standard or by something less?

It is so challenging--or maybe painful, or maybe both--to reflect on why I am a Christian.  Do I worship God because He is holy and totally deserving of my devotion?  Or do I seek God selfishly because I want satisfaction or peace or relief from pain?  I believe that all of those things are good.  And I believe that God loves us and wants to give them to us.  It is just troubling that it is so easy to treat Him as a means to an end, even when those ends are worthy.  I suppose this all leads back to the question of whether my modicum of faith would be enough for me if, like Job, it was all I had.  And if I'm being honest, I know that He is ultimately all I can claim. 

The plan for the week is to spend some time praying about 1 Peter 1:8--that my happiness would not be a request I make to God, but rather a natural result of loving Christ for His own sake.

oof.

Worrying always results in sin.  We tend to think that a little anxiety and worry are simply an indication of how wise we really are, yet it is actually a much better indication of just how wicked we are.  Fretting rises from our determination to have our own way.  Our Lord never worried and was never anxious, because His purpose was never to accomplish His own plans but to fulfill God's plans.  Fretting is wickedness for a child of God. . . . [Therefore,] set all your opinions and speculations aside and 'abide under the shadow of the Almighty' (Psalm 91:1).  Deliberately tell God that you will not fret about whatever concerns you.  All our fretting and worrying is caused by planning without God.

Shout-out to Oswald Chambers for giving me a (needed) spiritual punch in the gut every day. 

the pacific northwest is soooooo money. (part II)

Ocean Shores, WA. The Washington coast pales in comparison to Oregon's, but I'll take any beach I can get!

the oregon coast / i love it the most

And now, a stream-of-consciousness list of things that happened on our epic trip to the beach last week (dedicated to Molly because she told me she likes it when people blog about her):

- I got an exhaustive tour of the notable sites in downtown Hillsboro.
- Molly buried a bug alive.  She is sinister.
- We wore our sunglasses a lot, though it was not sunny.  I think Molly probably needs to keep a low profile when she's in public so strangers don't mob her.
- We visited Molly's brother in Seaside, which was pretty fantastic because he confirmed my suspicions that everyone who is related to Molly is awesome (hi Joan!)
- Nine words: Mexican food with cobbler and a donut for dessert.
- What's a beach trip without a visit to a bar with individual TV's for each booth?   I learned how to cook some sort of fish AND how to identify Food Network hosts that are not Bobby Flay.
- We gleefully rode the carousel and then, with wide-eyed naïveté, we made the ill-fated decision to tackle the Tilt-a-Whirl.  After that, things went off the rails a little.

I am so glad I got to visit the coast with such a delightful partner in crime!

stars twinkle through night's curtain of blue

When I was little, my mom used to sing two lullabies to me as she tucked me in at night.  She always started with "Somewhere Over The Rainbow," followed by "God's Little Candles."  I haven't thought about that bedtime ritual in years, but today in my head I kept hearing the few hazy bars of "God's Little Candles" I could remember.  I Youtubed it, and it turns out that it's kind of an old-time-y cowboy hymn (go figure - my mom was raised in eastern Oregon.)  I love love love the lyrics:

The angels are lighting God's little candles

Softly they glow as the day says goodbye

The angels are lighting God's little candles

 We call them stars, they're our friends in the sky

The cares of the day like clouds roll away

When stars twinkle through night's curtain of blue

The angels are lighting God's little candles

Time all God's children were kneeling to pray

I really want to rearrange it in 4/4 time, and I think my limited piano skills would be enough to make up a piano accompaniment.  I don't want to forget the words again.  And now I guess I know why I'm so obsessed with stars.

Goodnight, friends.

one more summer post to tide me over.

How I'm Spending My Summer Vacation 

(Subtitle: You don't really have to study during summer quarter, do you?)

Lots of playtime in Portland (duh!), including ...

... one special trip to be in my college bestie's wedding!

My parents are coming to visit for a week, so I get to play tour guide ...

... and then we're all going to Port Townsend together.

Visiting relatives in Milton-Freewater (that's eastern Oregon - don't be jealous.)

And last, but certainly not least ...

... a three-week study abroad trip to Guanajuato, Mexico!  I cannot WAIT to be abroad again, and I also cannot wait to fake an ability to speak Spanish!

it's. almost. summertime.

I have four papers, one project, and an online final to complete before next Tuesday at noon.  So, no big deal.

And THEN I have two weeks of work left (and by two weeks, I mean one week of actually helping children learn plus one week of supervising children while the school holds them hostage so they can complete their legally mandated 180-day school year and the staff tries to entertain them with a field day, a carnival, a yearbook day, and a trip to the lake in lieu of teaching them anything).

And THEN--SUMMER!!!  And by summer, I mean a three-day weekend, followed by the beginning of my 13-credit summer quarter.  But the thought of no work and a light-ish course load is making me dizzy.  I'm actually at the point where the prospect of occasional free time is giving me anxiety.  What will I DO?!

Okay, I might be able to come up with something.

when we were overwhelmed by sins, you forgave our transgressions

I'm trying to learn how to forgive in situations where the other person isn't sorry.  It's one of those last frontiers in my desire to maintain control over everything in my life.  When I've been wronged, when I hold a grudge, when I'm being self-righteous - those are the times when I feel like I've got some power.  Recently, I've found myself clinging to my "right" to feel hurt in much the same way I cling to my "right" to control my life.  It doesn't feel good to be mired in bitterness.

If I'm serious about trusting God with everything I've got, then I need to stop pretending that those "rights" ever resided with me in the first place.  I have been forgiven much - SO much - and with that forgiveness comes the freedom to lay aside the baggage I've been dragging around at my own expense.

the pacific northwest is soooo money.

(the Washington Park Arboretum)

field journeys

I've been on three field trips in the last week, all of them music festivals.  And let me tell you, you haven't lived until you've had to sit on gym bleachers listening to eight middle school choirs perform AND receive mini-clinics from adjudicators.  Best five and a half hours of my life.

But seriously, I had a really good time.  I absolutely love the quiet moments when the gen ed kids reach out to my kid in some small way and I get to hang back and watch it happen.  I'm so proud of how far my kids have come this year, and I'm continually impressed by the kindness I see from middle schoolers, of all people.

Oh - I also love the gen ed kid who has rewritten five Lady Gaga songs about band.

christos anesti

A few brief notes on Easter:

1.  I maintain that there is no better way to celebrate Easter than singing "Amazing Grace" along with a real live bagpiper and watching multiple people get baptized.  FANTASTIC!

2. I was feeling a little sorry for myself because I couldn't make it home this weekend and I didn't really know what I was going to do to celebrate.  I ended up going to three different Easter dinners and an amazing church service.  I think God might have been trying to make me feel silly for moping.

3. Obviously, I am very, very blessed by the people I've gotten to know in Seattle in the last seven months.

4. The Easter bunny remembered me all the way up here in Seattle!  I will leave you with a list of things the Easter bunny has given me in recent years, perhaps because he wants me to know I am now too old for Easter baskets:

• A spatula
• Postage stamps
• Makeup sponges

Happy Easter!

favorite things

Love, love, LOVE when the kiddos in my class give me artwork.  (That's a giant duck on the right, FYI.)

I'm done with winter quarter and looking forward to spring break from work next week.  I hardly know what to do with myself when I don't have to attend classes every night, but I'm keeping myself occupied with games nights, attending Bible study for the first time in a long time, and lots of laughter with friends.

I ordered my books for next quarter online (I saved, I might add, about $200 by doing so) and it's like Christmas every day when I come home to packages on my doorstep!  After getting a lot of prerequisites out of the way last quarter, I was feeling a little put off by how much I dreaded my schoolwork - shouldn't you enjoy learning about your future career?  But if my small-giddy-child reaction to looking through my new textbooks is any indication, I think I'm going to enjoy this quarter - finally, courses that are actually in my field of study!  Is it normal to get really excited about books with titles like Cognitive-Behavioral Interventions in Educational Settings: A Handbook for Practice?  Probably not ...

mid-quarter update

Suspicions confirmed: I'm a terrible blogger.  I'd like to blame my absence on the fact that my classes this quarter go until 9 pm, but let's be honest: I'm lazy AND I don't have anything interesting to say.  (Are you excited about reading the rest of this post yet?!)

So, the school update.  I'm settling into my grad program with a little group of friends I really enjoy.  One of the most delightfully awkward aspects of grad school is watching everyone scope each other out and decide who they get along with.  I can honestly say that I like everyone in my program (and that's saying something, because you know I'm pretty judgy), but after a quarter and a half, I am getting to know and love three of my classmates in particular.  One is super brainy, another is the sweetest, most sincere girl I think I've ever met, and the last is HILARIOUS - she's my favorite, of course!  Hopefully they don't get sick of me, because they're stuck with me for the next year and a half.

This quarter's classes:

- Research and statistics: Heavy on the research, unfortunately for me - I prefer the statistics.  The professor reminds me of the flighty teacher from Clueless: intelligent, earnest, frazzled, and all over the place.  She's also as sweet as can be, and I enjoy the class because I know she loves what she does, as boring as it can seem to me sometimes.  

- Adolescent development: Love it.  The professor is hilarious, and he's very talented at teaching concrete information on a topic while simultaneously informing the way I think about the concepts we're learning.  We also spend a lot discussing our own awkward adolescences, which is fun for me because I entered my own awkward adolescent stage in sixth grade and have yet to emerge ...

- Diversity: This class just makes me want to die.  I'm aware that (a) it's probably offensive to say that about a diversity class and (b) I'm probably being a little hyperbolic, but there it is.  I still can't quite put my finger on what bothers me about the course.  Is it the insanely closed-minded and ulterior motive-driven reading?  The oversimplified-to-the-point-of-offensiveness analysis of race relations?  The constant hating on white people?  (I know I'm pretty lame, but I'm fairly certain that my whiteness has nothing to do with it.)  The insistence that everything is about race and socio-economic status is irrelevant?  The fact that the professor plays serious favorites?  The even more obvious fact that the professor hasn't even attempted to tie the course concepts to education and I am paying $1700 for a class that will not make me a better professional?  I guess I'll have to keep thinking about it.

And with that, I need to go to bed.  Time to turn off the ice dancing and get some rest!

it's the widow jenkins, she fell down again!

The post title is a quote from the timeless classic film "The Buttercream Gang," which I spontaneously watched tonight with a group of girls I met at church.  These ladies have been a huge blessing lately. I first met one of them a couple months ago and discovered that she literally lives next door to me, and since then we've collected a little group of women that gets together weekly.  I've really needed that support and community and I'm so thankful to have my tiny church family :)

I'm still trying to collect my thoughts on my classes this quarter.  One of them is really driving me crazy, but I haven't put my finger on what exactly the problem is.  I'll let you know soon.

Here's the not-so-fun event of the day: one of my students (the same kiddo from this post) had a total meltdown and injured one of our staff members.  It's upsetting on so many levels: I love this staff member and it's awful that she got hurt; I think this kid is wonderful and it makes me sad to see how crippling his mood swings can be; it's such a bummer when incidents like this make general ed kids afraid of our students; I hate that autism gave this kid such an incredible mind while simultaneously robbing him of the ability to adequately express himself or handle these emotions without lashing out ... I could go on and on, obviously.  It's easy to get discouraged when these things happen.


I don't want to end on a negative note, so here's your random school anecdote: Today I had a debate with an eighth grader about whether Venn diagrams are cool (I am pro-Venn, in case you're wondering.)

back in black

In honor of my first week back in school and work full-time, I present you with a list of awesome things that happened to me today.

1) In science, my high-functioning kid borrowed my pen to write something down. I asked for it back and he told me he still needed it, so he offered me his index finger to "write with" instead.
2) Tomorrow is pajama day, so the leadership class made signs to remind kids about it.  Obviously one of the students googled "moon and stars" or something; this this the image they came up with for the background of the posters:

3. The readerboard of the Catholic high school on my drive home from school says: "Welcome Mr. Lord! (Principal)"  I love that they felt the need to clarify that they haven't taken to giving God an additional title.

More to come on my second quarter of grad school.