Anyway, I was trying to figure out why my last day was so much more difficult than I'd anticipated. Like I said, it is totally expected and normal to feel sad about leaving some wonderful kids and adults behind, but that is only part of the reason I was so sad. This job was an incredible--and totally unexpected--blessing for me. I applied because I just needed some sort of income, and as it turns out, the money was probably on the low end of valuable things I got from work. In the past two years, I have gained an understanding of special education that will be invaluable in my profession; I made incredible friends; I formed relationships with some terrific kids; I learned from some of the best educators in the profession, including teachers, counselors, and administrators; I met a couple of wonderful Christians who were so encouraging to me; and I got to laugh and have fun at work every day. AND my bills got paid. The point of all of that gushing is simply that I have been blessed beyond belief, and to be honest, I don't have a lot of faith that I'm going to experience that same level of blessing in my internship.
Here's the thing: I know that God has called me to move back to Oregon, and I can't wait to spend more time with the people I care about there (and there are a lot of them!) It's just that I love Seattle so much, and I just hate change and transitions and feeling like my life isn't settled. So I know that God wants me in Oregon, but deep down, I don't want me in Oregon. And it has been awhile since I've had a major move/job change/life change that I wasn't excited about. For awhile, this made me kind of panicky: "Should I really be moving? Maybe I should figure out a way to stay here!" Then I stopped and realized that I was being really, really crazy. Um ... God called me to Oregon. So I better go to Oregon. If I'm sticking with Him, then I don't get the luxury of deciding whether or not it sounds fun to me today.
As with any major decision, this whole experience is really about who I want in control of my life: I can decide to be obedient, or I can decide to cling to whatever fleeting plan appeals to me today. A friend of mine posted a Facebook status this morning that said something like, "I'm so glad God has a plan for my life, because I can barely decide which bagel and cream cheese flavor to order." Exactly. I love Seattle, but six months ago, all I could think about was how much I wanted to move to Oregon. Now that I'm moving, I've decided that I don't want to move! I hate to admit it, but despite all the angst that this transition is causing me, it's exciting to know that I'm growing because of it. Shameful confession: three years ago, I don't know whether I could have honestly told you that I cared about God's will for my life more than my own desires. Obviously I still have a lot of issues with trusting that His plan, whether or not it is "fun," will benefit me in the sense that it will cause me to love and serve Him more faithfully. Nevertheless, I feel so grateful that I have the words to (clumsily) articulate and explore and struggle with these issues, because that absolutely represents growth for me--even though (1) I obviously have a LONG way to go, (2) I clearly haven't learned these lessons very gracefully, and (3) a whole lot of this learning has occurred only by the grace of God and in spite of a whole lot of resistance from me!
I don't really have a good wrap-up to all of those scattered thoughts, so I will leave you with Paul's prayer for the Thessalonians, which I have selfishly commandeered for myself as I get ready for a new job, new coworkers, and a new living situation:
We always pray for you that our God may make you worthy of His calling and may fulfill every resolve for good and every work of faith by His power, so that the name of our Lord Jesus may be glorified in you, and you in Him. (2 Thessalonians 1:11-12)
