ceding the battle

(Just FYI, this is a really long and self-indulgent post--skip to the end for the redemptive part!)

So.  For the past couple of months, I have been consumed with finding an internship for my last year of grad school.  I sent out a hell of a lot of resumes and letters of interest.  I waited around anxiously for follow-up phone calls.  I had two interviews.  I thought they both went really well.  One school district in particular seemed absolutely perfect: I would have to move, but I have a friend who lives in the same city who needs a roommate; it is one of only two paid internships I could find in the Seattle or Portland areas; the interview panel seemed really interested in me, and the director of special education told me I'd be hearing from them by the end of the next week.

Perfect!  I thought.  Despite knowing that this district interviewed a crazy number of applicants, including a bunch of students from other programs, I'd already awarded myself this internship in my mind.  I was literally thinking about whether I should sell my furniture or keep it in storage while I lived with my friend for the year (I know--super type-A of me.  It's just how I roll.)

All of a sudden, my crazy-specific plan fell apart.  My friend decided to move back to Portland, leaving me without a roommate option in a city where I don't know anyone.  And tomorrow marks three weeks since my interview with zero contact from the district.  I even phoned them last week to ask whether they were still making decisions.  No reply.

This was a pretty big blow to my pride.  All of my classmates got a "no" from this district two weeks ago, so a lot of well-meaning people told me not to give up hope until I got a formal rejection.  At this point, I'm pretty sure they just forgot to call, which (because I am overdramatic) feels like a special kind of rejection to me: "Not only are we not interested in you, but you weren't memorable enough for us to remember to let you know we're not interested."

I'm used to succeeding when I try something, and I've had a lot of success in my recent life decisions--getting jobs, getting into grad school, moving to Seattle.  And I am TERRIFIC at formulating a plan of action and running it by God briefly before I jump into action, as opposed to allowing my decisions to be guided by how He might use me.  Looking back at the last few years, I've been pretty terrible at "waiting on the Lord for guidance" and "trusting in His timing" (Christian-ese!)--partially because I am a professional worrier and partially because I often (shamefully) prefer to use the talents that God has given me for my own aims rather than for the encouragement of others or the glory of God.

I know this might sound really legalistic.  I definitely don't think God intends for us to sit at home and pray until He drops something into our laps.  Nor do I believe that God intends for us to divorce ourselves from the gifts He has given us.  But I do know that to love the illusion of my own self-sufficiency, to trust in what I can do instead of the One who gives me the ability to do anything at all--this is idolatry.  And in my case, the feelings of anxiousness and failure I've had are a direct result of a flawed belief that I am inherently capable of manufacturing my own success.

Back to the internship.  Am I saying that I think that God withheld this internship from me so I could learn this great spiritual lesson and then write a wordy, unfocused blog post about it?  Frankly, I have no idea (although let's be honest, the blog post probably wasn't in His plan.)  But in my recent prayer time, God has made it abundantly clear that He wants all of my life and my talents and my plans.  I am to let go of the reins and trust in Him.  Scripture even goes as far as to say that God is jealous for us.  This sounds condemning, but what a blessing it is!  The Lord wants all of us--wants to be our singular focus--because He loves us and He cares about our welfare.  He waits to be gracious to us (Isaiah 30:18), and he will grant me rest if I will just allow Him to give it to me!

This weekend, God brought me to a great verse from Jahaziel's prophecy to King Jehoshaphat and his army before an important battle:

Thus says the Lord to you: "Do not be afraid and do not be dismayed at this great horde, for the battle is not yours, but God's." (2 Chronicles 20:15)

My worries, my uncertainties, my struggles against sin: these are battles that belong to God, not to me.  It is still a scary feeling for a type-A-er like me to relinquish any faith in my abilities, but luckily, I am sacrificing only the illusion of control. And it is such a relief to know that God's kindness is undeterred by my shortcomings.

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; His mercies never come to an end, they are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness. "The Lord is my portion," says my soul, "therefore, I will hope in Him." (Lamentations 3:22-24)

seasons

Hey, remember when I used to blog sometimes?

I've had a hell of a fall.  Allow me to list for you the reasons why:

• Classes.  School has been really, really tough this quarter.  The volume of work I'm expected to produce has been a lot higher than normal, which means that I often skip the reading, which means that I don't really understand what's going on or what we're learning, which means that I quickly descend into a shame spiral as I imagine my future as a completely ineffectual school psychologist because I DIDN'T DO MY CURRICULUM BASED MEASUREMENT READING.  You know, logical thought processes like that. 
• Work.  I had to cut back my hours this year to accommodate my practicum (see below), and a result I am (a) very, very financially stressed and (b) not pleased with my schedule.  In case I have failed to mention it, I just love my coworkers.  They are great conversationalists, they are hilarious, and a couple of them have been wonderful "substitute parents" since I've moved up here.  As a result of my new schedule, I spend most of my day as a 1:1 in a general ed classroom, which means that instead of working with these fantastic coworkers and the kids I adored last year, I spend a lot of time sitting around in the back of a classroom taking notes and/or dealing with awkward behavior issues while a bunch of 7th graders gawk at me.  Not so fun.
• Practicum.  It is very awkward--and oftentimes, very boring--to follow someone around and watch her perform her job, which is basically what my practicum entails.  
• Friends.  I've had some weirdness with a school friend, and because of the mass amounts of homework, I've been kind of socially isolated recently.

That's my list.  However: you'll notice that no one died, I still have a job, and I'm not starving on the street. In the midst of hating (okay, disliking) life this fall, I've also felt a lot of guilt (I think I should have been Catholic) about feeling so crazy when I am actually still a pretty lucky girl.

Now that I've told you about all the icky-ness, let me get all religious on you and say that God has been so, so faithful in the midst of my circumstances, guilt and pervasive bad attitude. When you are a hopeless control freak like me, it takes a lot to get you to stop trying to take the lead.  I finally got to the point where I would wake up in the morning and all I could do was pray, "Okay, God--I am literally incapable of dealing with this day apart from the Holy Spirit.  So please shut me up and let Him guide me."  It took a really crappy couple of months to get me to realize that I either (a) had no idea what it means to surrender my life or (b) I have been doing a terrible job of it for, oh, I don't know, the last decade or so.  But as I said, God is faithful, and He is working on me--one of my favorite examples is the fact that although I am NOT an early riser, I have suddenly developed a habit of waking up before my alarm with enough time to do my quiet time before I have to get ready for work.  Thank you, Jesus, for caring enough about my sanity to tinker with my internal clock.

leavin' on a jet plane

I'm headed south of the border tomorrow morning.  Read all about my Mexican adventures here!

mid-summer

Summer quarter is winding down, which seems absurd, because we've only been in class for a few weeks!  Two notable outcomes of my first four-week class: (a) I survived and (b) I managed to produce a whole lot of written work while learning absolutely nothing.  That leaves me with just two classes for the rest of the term: An applied research/program evaluation course (current status: killing me softly) and an academic assessment class, which I ADORE.  I've spent the past few weeks finding unsuspecting child "volunteers," assessing them mercilessly, and writing evaluation reports.  The data analysis and interpretation is fascinating to me, and I feel like I've gained a lot of insight into the learning process of the kids I've tested.   (Side note: I've tried to explain my testing glee to the "uninitiated," and I have seen a lot of glazed-over expressions as people try to feign interest.  You mean everyone doesn't find this stuff as fascinating as I do?!  I can tell that I am going to be a huge hit at dinner parties in the next few years.)

At any rate, the end of summer quarter has given me a chance to live and play a little more freely than usual.  Recent activities include:

• Engaging in my other favorite method of nerding out: Reading anything I can find on theology or philosophy, no matter how obscure
• Taking advantage of all the fun coffee shops within walking distance
• Witnessing the wedding of a dear friend in Portland :)
• Summer evening neighborhood walks with my neighbors (The love is multiplying: There are now four wonderful friends from church living in the building next door to me. I'm a lucky girl!)
• Enjoying random community events--parades, block parties, etc.
• Trying not to think about everything I need to do/pack/wash/think about before I go to Mexico in the middle of August!

waking up

I have been in so much awe of the beauty around me recently.  It's music, words, people, images, colors, nature. It's like waking up to a completely different landscape, brimming with life, growth, possibilities--truth that I can see, hear and touch.

okay, one more.

I swear I'm not trying to turn this into a transposition of my devotional ... but this is what has been running through my head all day:

My goal is God Himself, not joy nor peace,
Nor even blessing, but Himself, my God.

Am I measuring my life by this standard or by something less?

It is so challenging--or maybe painful, or maybe both--to reflect on why I am a Christian.  Do I worship God because He is holy and totally deserving of my devotion?  Or do I seek God selfishly because I want satisfaction or peace or relief from pain?  I believe that all of those things are good.  And I believe that God loves us and wants to give them to us.  It is just troubling that it is so easy to treat Him as a means to an end, even when those ends are worthy.  I suppose this all leads back to the question of whether my modicum of faith would be enough for me if, like Job, it was all I had.  And if I'm being honest, I know that He is ultimately all I can claim. 

The plan for the week is to spend some time praying about 1 Peter 1:8--that my happiness would not be a request I make to God, but rather a natural result of loving Christ for His own sake.

oof.

Worrying always results in sin.  We tend to think that a little anxiety and worry are simply an indication of how wise we really are, yet it is actually a much better indication of just how wicked we are.  Fretting rises from our determination to have our own way.  Our Lord never worried and was never anxious, because His purpose was never to accomplish His own plans but to fulfill God's plans.  Fretting is wickedness for a child of God. . . . [Therefore,] set all your opinions and speculations aside and 'abide under the shadow of the Almighty' (Psalm 91:1).  Deliberately tell God that you will not fret about whatever concerns you.  All our fretting and worrying is caused by planning without God.

Shout-out to Oswald Chambers for giving me a (needed) spiritual punch in the gut every day.